The worst thing is that you've seen me dance.
If I could go back in time and change it all, I wouldn't. I do not regret loving you, nor do I wish I hadn't spent my life with you. Even if I had known right from the start that you would end up leaving me, I think I still would have fallen for you.
No, darling, it doesn't matter that you know my secrets. Most of them, at least. Well, all of them, really...
Nor do I care that you've seen me when I was puking-ill, or angry, or jealous, or even crying over some sad Pixar movie despite being a 6'2'' man with a tough beard. You've seen me naked hundreds of times, from all unflattering angles, and even that I do not mind one bit.
But I can't bear that you've seen me dance.
I don't think of myself as particularly self-conscious, but remembering how we used to dance together makes my cheeks flush bright red. I remember us laughing while doing the chicken dance; making clucking sounds that mostly resembled a chicken being strangled, probably; the utter shamelessness of me flapping around my limbs in a way that had nothing to do with rhythm at all; my exaggerated and clumsy movements, bumping into furniture and almost tripping over the dog, just to make you laugh even harder...
What embarrasses me so is the unconditional vulnerability of that moment. It's about the complete trust I put in you, not minding how silly I looked, because I loved you, and you loved me, and I loved being silly together.
Now, whenever we run into each other and I see that cold look in your eyes, I want to curl up and hide in a corner forever, because those very same eyes looked at me when we did that stupid chicken dance.
So, no, I would not take back a single "I love you". I would not try to forget all those plans we made for our trip to Italy, or our little B&B by the coast. I would not erase the intimacy we shared in bed.
We loved one another, and then it ended, like many relationships do. And that should be all right.
But, oh, you've seen me dance...
Written by Suzanne
Literary one-shot
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